well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
