Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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