I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
