Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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