I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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