Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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