I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it because I queefed?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
