The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
