i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
