I hate your face
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
