i wish semen tasted like chocolate
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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