Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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