Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
