When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
