I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
