well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
