im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
