Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
