A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
