We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
