I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
