I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
