this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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