Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Farmville is her only friend.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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