Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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