you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
