We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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