we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
