NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
