I just saw a hot homeless man
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
