i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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