I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
