totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
