She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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