Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
