I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
