Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
