Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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