I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
