Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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