exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
