Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
