Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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