This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
