i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize