just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
