She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize