stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
