I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
