Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
