If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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