you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
