Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
