3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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