My sheets look like a crime scene.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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