1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
