I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
