I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Randomize
