when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
