Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
