so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
