i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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